Jonny is eight years old.  He walks over to his mother, and with strong conviction, tells her, “Mom, I’m so angry at you.  I want to pull your eyes out of your head and take a big sharp knife and stab you in the heart .”

If you were the mom what would you say or do?  When I present this vignette to a group of people I get some rather defensive and abusive anger from the audience.

At this point in the meeting, I ask both men and women, to take the role of parent and give me their words to Jonny’s declaration.  The first adult speaks among the fifty or so participants in the meeting.  He says, “How dare you tell me that you want to do these awful things to me.  Go to your room and stay there.” The second person to give her response declares, “Jonny, you are so cruel and awful to say these things to me!  What’s wrong with you?  You sound like a monster.  This is terrible!  You are terrible!  Where have I gone wrong?” The room is filled with discomfort. There are a lot of people who are finding this to be too uncomfortable.  The next speaker in the audience says, “There is no way I’d allow my child to say such words.  Some things should never be said.”

After a few more negatives from some of the audience, a mom comes forth with a very interesting answer.  “I’d ask Jonny, why did you want to pull out my eyes and stab me in the heart.”

Jonny, with his straight forward response, says, “I want to pull out your eyeballs because you don’t look into my eyes, you don’t see my face!”

Mother, taking her cue so genuine and loving, says, “Thank you so much for telling me how I’ve not spent  having enough time looking at your face, adoring your eyes, and being more interested in you.  I’m going to make an effort to be more available to you and to know more about your anger to me when I’ve hurt you.”

“Thanks, mom.”

Mom, continues.  “Why did you want to stab me in the heart with a big sharp knife?”

Jonny, delighted to let mom know the answer, declares, “I wanted to stab you in your heart so you could know how it feels to me when you are hurtful to me and my heart.  When you hardly ever play with me or talk to me about stuff.  You don’t kiss and hug me enough.”

Mom, being empathic towards Jonny, shoots right back, “Honey, I’m so glad you told me this.  I never realized I was so hurtful.  Both of our hearts have been hurting!  I’m going to make sure I don’t hurt you in these ways.  If you ever get the idea that I am hurting you, please point it out to me so I can be more aware.  I love you so much.

Mom, speaking to herself sub-vocally, takes a moment to reflect on how much she has dismissed and minimized knowing herself.

If we look at this vignette, we know that Jonny never attempted to physically attack his mom.  He only wanted his mother to know about his anger and his impulses toward her.  He used his words, and his dear mother had the ability to  want to know more about the internal life of Jonny.  Jonny and mother could be on the way to being more emotionally available, talk about anything, without having to hide.

How would it be for you if we spoke our truths, tended to kind and loving behavior with ourselves and others, and made sure that we can be fully available to our impulses and feelings without actually hurting others.

Jonathan, that’s me          Thank you for reading my words.

Bye for now,

Jonathan J. Brower, Ph.D.